Sandwiched

The Sandwiched Generation.  I have heard that term over the years and have given it a little thought, pondering what that might be like.  Teens and the elderly, meeting the needs of both.

But that was before I had teens.  Those wonderful children that are stuck between the world of adults and children.  Those that ride the emotional rollercoaster with such violence some days that I am amazed they can function at all.  They are forced to have plans and answers to big life questions like “what are you going to do when you graduate?”  “What do you want to be when you grow up?”  “What are your gifts?”  “What are you looking for in a spouse?”

They are just trying to survive the ups and downs of social messes, the ins and outs of homework and teacher demands, and battle the lies that culture tells them about beauty, strength, wisdom, privacy, modesty, the appropriate ways to deal with the opposite sex, and on and on.

As their parents, we struggle to find balance.  Balance between modesty and confidence, freedom and protection, boundaries and self control, emotional control and just being in the moment.  And all too often we fail.  We get sucked into the emotional firestorm they are in, rather than being the calm of the storm. 

I love my teens and love every moment we have of living life together.  But every day is a choice.  Today, will I choose to allow the moments we have to be spaces that God can speak?  Spaces that God will use to shape me and mold me?  Or will I choose today to harden myself, and be only the voice of authority and right? Because I am tired and I don’t want to grow today.  Honestly, it depends on the day.

And that was before the needs of my Dad became a daily battle of sanity for my Mom.  I love my parents and would love to be able to bring healing to my Dad’s mind, relief and freedom for my Mom and peace for their household. 

But it really never has been a house of peace.  Not between them.  And my Dad’s mind has never been whole.  The battles my Dad has daily fought in his mind has left wounds that are ugly, messy and have never healed.  They continue to regularly destroy any peace that he might have.  As dementia chips away at appropriateness, more and more, he spews this mess at anyone around him.

And who wears it?  My Mom.  My Mom who is constantly helping him do.. everything.  She is on call all the time to help him back to bed at 2:24am or to help him zip his jacket or cut his food.  In every moment of every day she is desperately trying not to notice the walls of her prison as they close tighter and tighter around her freedom just to live as she wants.

In the middle of this sandwich is me.  And I don’t know how to do it all.  I have a husband who needs me to be his wife, not just his children’s parent or his in-law’s daughter.  I have two other children that need me, not just to meet their physical needs but to cuddle and care for them too.  I can’t do it on my own.

On days when I am exhausted or emotionally bankrupt, I will ignore the phone call from my Mom.  She just needs a listening ear but because I can’t decide in the seconds before it goes to message, whether I will be a help or just freak out at her or about him, I let the machine get it.  Or on the drive to school in the morning trying to help one child see how special and unique they are.  That the lies that Satan has told them that they are worthless and ugly today are just that, LIES.  But in my mind I am desperately trying to find patience to walk through this yet again, when my humanness wants to say “Seriously?!?! We just covered this!”

And in those moments, when my emotional bankruptcy is so apparent, I am learning to ask God to be

 “I AM”

The name given to Moses, the name Jesus called Himself

“I AM”.

 And in those two words are more than enough for everything.  More than enough to be my quiet centre.  More than enough to see the hurting in my children, in my parents.  More than enough to meet each ones needs.  More than enough to use me in all my powerlessness, to bring them words of healing, comfort, grace.  More than enough to be all that they need when I am not. 

“I AM” enough.

“I AM” everything.

“I AM” freedom… because He IS and I don’t have to be.